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Posts Tagged ‘pregnant’

During the last few weeks my husband and I have been trying to unpack a spacious two bedroom duplex into a cozy (yet totally fantastic) one bedroom apartment. It’s a big job but after almost a whole month we’re really starting to make some headway.

When we first got married my husband was a Sailor in the U.S. Navy stationed in Honolulu, Hawaii. We lived in spacious, climate controlled base housing and had an incredibly disposable income. We’d go out to eat a few times a week and saw almost every movie that ran through the theater.

Then my dreams came true and we found out we were going to have a baby. Suddenly the military didn’t seem like the best choice for us. My Sailors first enlistment was almost up and I knew that with his second enlistment we wouldn’t be so lucky as to get to spend every day together like we had. He’d have to be on a ship and away for months and months at a time and most importantly he would be away during the birth of our daughter and that just wasn’t an option for us.

So we moved back to California and put all our things in storage and lived in my childhood bedroom at my parent’s house. It was wonderful to have so much help with SweetPea when she made her arrival, and the knowledge my mother shared with me during those first few months of my own motherhood were indispensable, but as months went by it became time to make our way back out into the world and stand together as self sufficient, independent adults.

So here we are. In a one bedroom place just big enough for the three of us. No more eating out and we rarely take in a movie. After leaving the Navy the job market was rough. We’d hoped and dreamed of making more money, or at least the same money, but those dreams fell short and made way for new dreams of making “enough” money to pay the bills and eat. But even with the budget cuts and the relocation there’s nothing sweeter that having your husband come home every day and be a part of raising your child.

So today as I shuffle through the boxes and try to find a bowl for my breakfast I consider it all and instead of sighing in frustration at the state of chaos, I smile to myself and think how lucky I am to have “enough” and how being with the ones I love is worth more than any job could pay.

And I tip my hat to those women who do it alone, because I don’t know if I could and I am so Grateful I don’t have to.

What have you had to sacrifice to be with your family?

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After the birth of my daughter I was pretty sure I didn’t want to have anymore children of my own. Pregnancy didn’t come easily to me, and the whole 39.5 weeks I spent knocked up were pretty damn uncomfortable, and then there was the whole labor/birth thing which still makes me cringe just to think about.

So I was really surprised when two days ago I caught myself daydreaming about having another baby. So surprised in fact I stopped mid thought and just stared into space wondering what could have possible possessed my subconscious to bring these thoughts forward, and then it hit me…. “Baby fever”, but where did I catch it? All the babies I’d been hanging out with lately were about the same age as mine if not older, and then it dawned on me; it wasn’t the presence of a new baby that had induced these subconscious considerations but the presence of a baby yet to come.

My very dear friend had just shared some photos of her beautiful but overdue pregnant belly, and as she waited in anticipation to meet this completely new little person I realized that I too felt the pull to meet a new little person of my own. Against all my traumatic memories of birth and personal thoughts on keeping SweetPea as an only child here I was fantasizing about holding her little brother or sister, and wondering to myself  not “if” but “when” that day would come.

“But I don’t want another child!” my mind screams at my soul. All the logic in my being compiling against a new spark that has started in my heart, but it’s too late. The flame has already been ignited and all that lovely logic about easier travel, and more free time winds its way slowly down the drain as thoughts of siblings laughing and playing fill my mind, and memories of my own sister, and my own brother push my hearts battle right up over my heads, and as tears stream down my face I can’t help but smile thinking of the my new people yet to come.

– This post is dedicated to my dear friend Emily, who helped inspire me to want children of my own, and has always been the most wonderful example of how reproduction of intelligent, thoughtful people is the best gift you can give the world.  

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Today I am 37 weeks pregnant, which starts the final count down to Birth-day… and may I just add that it’s hard to start a count down when the possibility of having Sweet Pea today is just as possible as having her five weeks from now. So we wait…

37 weeks… Wow! What an incredible long way we’ve come since that extra pink line appeared on the pregnancy test strip. I was in such awe at the concept of actually being pregnant that I took a test every day for a week and lined them all up next to each other on the bathroom counter just to be sure it was still true, but the line just got darker and more defined as each day went on, and somewhere inside myself I knew it was true.

33 weeks and 5 days later I have become quite large, and that little person I could feel only with my inner senses has made herself very prominent in my body, and quite obvious to the outside world. So prominent in fact I can hardly even remember what it was like to not be pregnant, to not have a huge belly full of squirmy littler person in front of me everywhere I go, to sleep all night without getting up to pee. I mean I used to run, Heck I used to walk, and now my fastest means of transportation is a nice slow waddle, and if I stretch the boundaries of my pre-pregnancy memory I can almost recollect a time when I could roll over in bed without getting beached half way through by the weight of my ever expanding abdomen, and Oh what a magical time that was!

Everyone goes on and on about how pregnancy is such a “special, magical, wonderful” time in a woman’s life… and it is… at least from the perspective of what your body is doing, what your body is making inside of you and how relatively short the time frame is when you think about all the cell replication and how quickly the final product is accomplished, but from the perspective of a sore, achy, tired, nauseated, squished bladdered, cumbersome, pregnant woman who can’t see anything between her belly button and her knees the experience doesn’t always exude “special, magical, wonderfulness”.

Do you know what the really “special, magical, wonderful” time in a woman’s life is? It’s the time she spends NOT pregnant. The time she spends before and after the birth of a child when her body is at its best leaving her physically able to do all she can do. When reaching for a dropped piece of paper is still a possibility, when trying to itch her shoulder doesn’t pull a muscle in her back, when she can enjoy the freedom of moving from one position to another without having to expertly devise and execute a plan of attack. Those were the days, and will hopefully “soon” continue to be the days, and I can’t imagine a moment more fulfilling than sitting with my husband and our new baby girl, her on the outside and me not-pregnant just enjoying being a family together, now I know it takes being pregnant to get to that picture, but I’d rather view the part of my life that is going to be the majority as “the most special time in my life” than try to falsely glorify the discomfort of pregnancy to unsuspecting hopeful mothers to be.

Being pregnant is a very Sepcial, Magical, Wonderful time in a woman’s life, but NOT being pregnant… is even better!

 

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I started a baby journal when I first learned I was pregnant. It was short lived and only has a few entries, but I found it today and wanted to share some of the words I wrote to her with all of you.

August 11th, 2010 – 12weeks 5days

Dear Baby,

The things I find myself wanting from life are so very different than they used to be. I no longer feel the need for a large house and a new car, but I instead long for experiences with you and your Father; a small cabin in the woods with a dog and a goat, watching bugs crawl across the floor in the living room with you and I giggling together as our puppy tries to eat them up, playing outside and teaching you about nature, mud pies and flower cakes, fresh veggies and the smell of ripe blackberries in the sun, cold rainy days spend by the fire reading books and playing games with you and your Daddy, being happy just to be alive and near the ones I love. What sweet happiness one could have with so very little.

Sometimes it’s nice to look back and be reminded of the things that were most important. I’d forgotten how deeply I felt about just having the simple things in life, and enjoying the moments made with my family over the things I can(or can’t) buy at the store. Today I am grateful for the things I have, and that’s a wonderful way to start the day!

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I have had the same reoccurring dream through out my pregnancy. The context of the dream is always different and the images change and develop but the idea remains the same. A bright light shines on my swollen belly causing my skin to become transparent enough to glimpse the baby. Her skin is covered in veins and she’s always right on schedule with how many weeks along I am.

The first time I had the dream she was small and fragile swimming about in a sea of amniotic fluid, her tiny arms and legs so thin and brittle, her little body as transparent as the skin of my womb. She gets bigger and stronger every time I see her, and last night when I drifted off to sleep I was blessed with a view of my daughter, my perfect child; so big and strong her skin almost completely opaque, her fully formed appendages moving about, her perfect little nose on her beautiful little face, and the best part was her round head covered in thick dark hair. It was simply amazing to see, and when I woke from the dream I felt as though I knew her a little better than I’d known her before.

And next month when her birthday is revealed and I hold her in my arms for the very first time, I won’t be at all surprised to see the same little girl I’ve seen so many nights finally in my arms looking back at me.

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