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After the birth of my daughter I was pretty sure I didn’t want to have anymore children of my own. Pregnancy didn’t come easily to me, and the whole 39.5 weeks I spent knocked up were pretty damn uncomfortable, and then there was the whole labor/birth thing which still makes me cringe just to think about.

So I was really surprised when two days ago I caught myself daydreaming about having another baby. So surprised in fact I stopped mid thought and just stared into space wondering what could have possible possessed my subconscious to bring these thoughts forward, and then it hit me…. “Baby fever”, but where did I catch it? All the babies I’d been hanging out with lately were about the same age as mine if not older, and then it dawned on me; it wasn’t the presence of a new baby that had induced these subconscious considerations but the presence of a baby yet to come.

My very dear friend had just shared some photos of her beautiful but overdue pregnant belly, and as she waited in anticipation to meet this completely new little person I realized that I too felt the pull to meet a new little person of my own. Against all my traumatic memories of birth and personal thoughts on keeping SweetPea as an only child here I was fantasizing about holding her little brother or sister, and wondering to myself  not “if” but “when” that day would come.

“But I don’t want another child!” my mind screams at my soul. All the logic in my being compiling against a new spark that has started in my heart, but it’s too late. The flame has already been ignited and all that lovely logic about easier travel, and more free time winds its way slowly down the drain as thoughts of siblings laughing and playing fill my mind, and memories of my own sister, and my own brother push my hearts battle right up over my heads, and as tears stream down my face I can’t help but smile thinking of the my new people yet to come.

– This post is dedicated to my dear friend Emily, who helped inspire me to want children of my own, and has always been the most wonderful example of how reproduction of intelligent, thoughtful people is the best gift you can give the world.  

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I have had the same reoccurring dream through out my pregnancy. The context of the dream is always different and the images change and develop but the idea remains the same. A bright light shines on my swollen belly causing my skin to become transparent enough to glimpse the baby. Her skin is covered in veins and she’s always right on schedule with how many weeks along I am.

The first time I had the dream she was small and fragile swimming about in a sea of amniotic fluid, her tiny arms and legs so thin and brittle, her little body as transparent as the skin of my womb. She gets bigger and stronger every time I see her, and last night when I drifted off to sleep I was blessed with a view of my daughter, my perfect child; so big and strong her skin almost completely opaque, her fully formed appendages moving about, her perfect little nose on her beautiful little face, and the best part was her round head covered in thick dark hair. It was simply amazing to see, and when I woke from the dream I felt as though I knew her a little better than I’d known her before.

And next month when her birthday is revealed and I hold her in my arms for the very first time, I won’t be at all surprised to see the same little girl I’ve seen so many nights finally in my arms looking back at me.

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So many things to do, so many little clothes to wash, tiny socks to find, cloth diapers to fold, toys to clean and put away. The crib is set, the beds been made all waiting for her special day. I’ve read all the books, and picked through the best advice. We’ve made the choices as well as we can, but what do we really know?

Now I write this as a person who has never had a child before. Never been a mother past knowing and loving the person still being created inside of me, but I do have a theory, an idea of the best way to prepare for having a baby.

Stretch… Stretch a lot… Stretch your body, and most certainly stretch your mind because nothing is going to be as helpful as flexibility, as being able to let go of those preconceived notions of how everything is going to be, and how your life is going to look as a new parent. When I think about having my child I imagine her curled up next to me and her father in bed fast asleep. I imagine waking up to her softly rooting about as she expresses her desire to be fed, of pulling her close to me and dozing as she satisfies her hunger and then the both of us drifting back to sleep. This is my dream, my perfect utopia of motherhood at night. I would love for this to be my reality and in that desire I do hold on to the possibility that that is how it may be, but I’m also prepared to throw that picture out the window for the reality that will most likely ensue.

When I ponder those first months of being the mother of a Little Girl Person on the outside, I always try to add a little bit of reality to my fantasies, to remind myself that some things (okay most things) will not go as I envision, and to remember that the very best thing I can do for my sanity and the sanity of those around me is to be willing to change, accept, and appreciate my practices as a new mother.

I do hold on to one piece of sentiment that under no circumstance shall I let go, and that is the notion that in all of my daydreaming and fantasizing about the future I have only skimmed the surface of how amazing and wonderful motherhood will be, of what sort of experiences it will bring and how it will round and shape me as a person, and the bonds of our family.

I love my husband and I love myself, and I can’t even begin to grasp the love that I will have when I look into the eyes of a person made entirely out of us.

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